Transformers vs 2007 Cardinals

I went and saw Transformers on Tuesday. I had to. It was too big of a piece of my childhood not to go and see it as soon as I could. It was exactly like I thought it would be. It's basically Independence Day with a different kind of alien. It's actually kind of like the 2007 St. Louis Cardinals.

Transformers--had to go see it, it has meant too much to my life.
'07 Cardinals--have to follow and watch the games, they have meant too much to my life...especially living in Chicago where Cub fans are jerking themselves off (almost literally) because they are one game over, never mind that Cards fans are about to hang themselves over a team that is in shambles but just THREE GAMES WORSE than said Cubs. Additionally, Brewers fans are coming out of hiding, and I don't like them. They are cocky as hell for a team without a winning season since Transformers the cartoon was on.

Transformers--had all of the ingredients of a "aliens come to Earth" movie."
'07 Cards--have all of the ingredients of a ".500 baseball team."

Transformers--had likable main character.
'07 Cards--have Albert Pujols.

Transformers--Had robot who turned into semi truck and says "My bad."
'07 Cards--well, they can't be exactly the same.

Anyways, Transformers gets a solid C from me. You have to see it, but it's probably nothing I will watch again by choice.

The Cards' first half? I'd say it gets a solid C-. You can't really expect too much more of them considering:

a. Carpenter has made one (bad) start.
b. Pujols was only King of Ancient Egypt and not Jesus Christ.
c. Yadi was out.
d. Jim Edmonds played more like Jm J. Bullock, except with an "i" in his first name.
e. Adam Kennedy is horrible.
f. Scott Rolen...
g. The Cyborg was out (and the fact that that's a strike against really shows you something).
h. Anthony Reyes is 0-10.
i. Kip Wells may be the worst pitcher ever.
j. Todd Wellmeyer and Brad Thompson are in the starting rotation.

I mean Good God...they are lucky that they are 38-43!

Cards Sign Ohka!

In a huge move on Wednesday, the St. Louis Cardinals signed Tomo Ohka to a minor league contract. May I be the first to say - FINALLY! He's just an incredible player, teammate, and friend.

Tomo has played for his share of teams since debuting with the Red Sox in 1999. The Expos, the Nationals, Brewers, and the Blue Jays are all on his list, and before you know it, he'll be up with the Cardinals in 2007. Rejoice. 31-year-old Ohka has a 50-63 career record with an ERA of 4.14 and 559 strikeouts in 999 innings pitched. Yes, you heard that right, if things go as they should and Tomo pitches for the Cards - he will reach 1000 innings pitched with St. Louis. Wow!

Welcome TOMO OHKA!

Casper throws a gem!

or

Yadier Molina Out Until July (At Least)

To add to Major's list from yesterday:

Yadi is out for the next six weeks.

(And, yes, I just sourced myself. When you have like 13,753 blogs, you can do it, too.)

Yadi Last Year: Probably the worst hitter in the majors

Yadi This Year: The teams best hitter, then breaks his wrist, the toughest injury for any hitter to come back from.

Holy God Shit, what else can happen this year?

It's as if the franchise sold their soul for last years title. It was worth it if they did, dont get me wrong, but, man, what a crappy season.

I am, however, oddly looking forward to this September, when I can sit in the bleachers, drink beer and throw peanut shells in a relative peace. It'll be just like the mid-90's!

This season

With what has happened to the Cards this year, it makes last year's World Title even more amazing:

Reyes
Then: Pitches one of the best games in the World Series since 1987 (when I started paying attention).
Now: 0-8, ERA of 6.08, in minors

Wainwright
Then: Comes out of nowhere to blow zero saves in the playoffs
Now: ERA over 5

Weaver
Then: Pitches three huge, huge, huge games in the playoffs
Now: ERA around 7,000

Carpenter
Then: Pitches another one of the best games in the last 20 years in the WS
Now: One start and injured

Taguchi
Then: Hits one of biggest homers in Cardinal playoff history off one of the best closers in history
Now: One of the worst players in the majors

Molina:Then: Hits one of biggest homers in Cardinal history
Now: How in the world did he hit a home run?

RolenThen: Comes out of his shell for a bit to have huge hits in the NLCS and WS
Now: Horrible

Edmonds
Then: Has huge hit in WSNow: Horrible

Hancock
Then: Pitches for Cardinals in the playoffs
Now: No longer alive

Marquis
Then: Not on playoff roster
Now: One of the best pitchers in the NL so far this year

Detroit Tigers
Then: Couldn't throw the ball to first
Now: Still one of better teams in AL, how did they beat them?

New York Mets
Then: Overpowering offense, somehow the Cards beat them
Now: Still best team in NL, how did they beat them?

San Diego Padres
Then: Cards brush them aside
Now: Tied for first in NL West

Their win last year has to be one of the most improbable ever, especially considering everything that has happened since. I'm glad it did, but I still have no idea how it happened. What did I forget?

The 2007 Cardinals--Not as Bad as the Pirates!

I hope no one takes this series as something where they use any of the following words:

a. "Back." As in, "The Cards are back!" No. They are not. They just beat the Pirates.
b. "Momentum." As in, "They have some momentum going." No. They do not. They just beat the Pirates.
c. "Captain D's." As in, "I want Captain D's for lunch." No. If you do not eat Long John Silver's over Captain D's, we cannot be friends.

I kind of feel sorry for Scott Rolen. I have never seen him as pissed as he was last night when he popped up that 3-0 pitch. You know that it drives him insane that he is hitting horrifically. That being said, if Ned Colletti and the Dodgers are dumb enough to trade Andy LaRoche for him, do it in less than one second. It would make Dodger Blues even more incredibly entertaining.

The Adventures of Brad and Yadi

Prediction!

To counter Major's prediction, one of my own:

Prediction: Tonight the Badinals will lose 14-4, but Pujols will go 4-4 with a HR.

This weekend

Conventional wisdom this weekend is that the Tigers are going to do all but pee on the Cardinals. Usually, conventional wisdom is wrong, so my prediction for the series is this:

Tonight: Somehow the Cards win

Now, for the rest of the series, I have little doubt that the Tigers will beat the ever-loving piss out of them. Brace yourselves.

Cards Claim Wellemeyer Off Of Waivers

Yeah, this guy should help.

Low

What is low? Low is a song by Kelly Clarkson that is underrated. Low is also how you feel when you realize that you'll be out of town when Kelly tours in your city.

Low is also where the Badinals are right now. I think that we should keep track, this year, of the single-worst game of the season. Right now, I have several nominees:

a. The Milwaukee game I was at a couple of weeks ago when they lost 12-2 (I think).
b. Last night. Good God was last night horrible. As you watched, you knew that there was precisely a 0% chance that they would win the game. Just horrible.

I always enjoy reading the Cardinal message boards where they talk about trading guys like Rolen or Edmonds. I'd imagine how that conversation would go:

Walt Jocketty: Hey, are you interested in a couple of guys over 30 who are hitting around .200?
Other GM: Depends...what kinds of contracts do they have?
WJ: Well, one is on the hook for $17 million the next two years, the other about four times that through 2011.
Other GM: Let me call you back.

(Other GM runs around the room clicking his heels with joy, chest-thumping himself. Once he settles down, he calls Walt back).

WJ: Hello?
Other person: Is Jack there?
WJ: Sorry, wrong number.
Other person: Oh, sorry.

(Phone rings again)

WJ: Hello?
Other GM: OK, all I can give you is Tim Lincecum, Jose Reyes, and Miguel Cabrera.
WJ: Let me run it by the owners, and I'll get back to you.

Well ain't that a coincidence, Kelly Clarkson "Low" just came up on my IPod.

Player Profile: Hustle Mc Intangibles

I don't particularly care for David Eckstein.

I didn't want to see Edgar Renteria leave after the 2004 season, and I definitely did not want to see him replaced by a guy that we all knew Cardinals fans would fall over themselves rushing to fall madly, deeply in love with.

This tiny, white, Scrappy McGrit, short stop caused all of Busch Stadium to say in early 2005 "Yay he moved the runner over! Look he ran to first after drawing that walk! Mmmm... My farts smell great!"

But he didn't fool me. I like my short stops to be two of three things: 1) Columbian, 2) Talented, 3) Chain smokers. David Eckstein is none of those.

David Eckstein stole the 2006 World Series MVP from Yadi and Scotty, then gave the car that came with the award to his brother. Because that's what Mr All American should do: Share with family.

David Eckstein is the type of guy I would never want to work with. I bet he shows up everyday, on time, showered, and probably not drunk. Just to make me look bad!

No sir, I never cared for David Eckstein.

Then, the other day, I noticed what his new at bat song is. It is this:



I think it's fair to say that I like David Eckstein.

Last Night

At the game last night, there was a general malaise to the ballpark. The team stinks right now. And that's putting it gently.

We all knew coming into the season that the Badinals weren't repeating. No team has since '00. It doesn't happen anymore, we know this. But the hope was to be competitive. Play ball a little over .500 and hope for yet another fun October.

Could it still happen? Yeah.

And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Edmonds is in depressing Willie Mays as a Met mode, the staff is in Rolling Stones level tatters, and nobody has been on fire yet; last October, these same group of guys were a 2006 Corvette firing on all cylindars, six months later they're a '95 Merc Cougar, full of Burger King wrappers and bad decisions.

If there is such a thing as a World Series hangover, it's effecting the fans as much as it is the players. This is a poorly put together baseball team, and except for the scary 5% of Cardinals Nation (or whatever we're calling it this year) that fucking hates anything and, I'm quite sure, are a hit at parties (I'm looking at you Cards Talk), nobody really cares.

In the game last night was a second baseman whom I'm pretty sure is actually an accountant, a tiny short stop, an old man in center, something named Ryan Ludwick in right, and Henry Rowengartner on the mound. Yet, nobody really cared. The crowd itself was in hangover mode -- like a real hangover. Gulp down some water, maybe a lemonade, for the brave, bite that dog that bit you; eat some greasy food; stare at whats in front of you and weakly clap for what you see. Just going through the motions.

(note - some of you already know this, but it is my hope for the Badinals to go 20-142 this year. This bandwagon needs a clearing, and in the worst possible way. Face painting at a baseball game? You're gone.)

In the seventh inning last night, down 1-0, I figured that was ballgame. Than Jimmy got his third (!) hit of the evening... Yadi singles... Eck gets scrappily hit by a pitch (such grit!). All of a sudden, the bases are loaded for Scott Spiezio. I turned to my lady friend and mentioned something about his triple against the Brewers last September, how I thought it was the catalyst for their run into October and how it was one of the more electric scenes I saw in new Busch last year. And then the Spiez comes through with a 2-run double.

And the glassy eyed, drool hanging from their chin crowd was up. And it was electric.

And I realized, after about twenty seconds of cheering, that they did it. They sucked me back in.

Fuckers.

For the love of Christ...

Look at the lineup tonight!

Hitting 1st: Aaron Miles, who will be the worst leadoff hitter in baseball tonight.
Hitting 2nd: So Taguchi, who may be the worst 2-hole guy that any team puts out there all season.
Hitting 5th: Ryan Ludwick, who is in his second game ever.
Hitting 7th: Yadier Molina
Hitting 8th: David Eckstein, who has Henry-Rowengartner-after-his-arm-went-back-to-normal syndrome right now.

Holy living Jesus that's a horrid lineup.

This is John........whatever.....

Bernie Miklasz can suck my white ass. I don't know if you read his column in the saturday post, but it was fuckin' retarded. It was the column titled "We could all learn a lesson from Hancock's death". You gotta love it when douchebag sports writers think they are so righteous and believe they're breaking ground by telling people not to drink and drive. And my favorite is when people make it a point to tell you that Josh Hancock was practically TWICE THE LEGAL LIMIT WHEN HE CRASHED!!! Oh no!!! He must of had 4 beers!!! News flash people: If you have 2 beers in an hour, you're BAC is prolly at about .08. And if you have ever had 1 beer, then you've prolly had 2 beers, and you've then prolly driven your car.

People are going to do what they do and they are going to make mistakes. That's life.

Anywho, I'm staring at today's lineup and I see that Adam Kennedy is leading off. I realize that Eckstein is in a bit of a slump, but so is the rest of the team. If you're going to put someone else in the leadoff spot, at least give them a few starts there. Let them get adjusted to it.

We have also recently learned that Chris Carpenter will miss 3 months due to elbow surgery. It would be nice if the cardinals organization would just stop messing with the fans and tell us that he'll be out for the season. We all know he will be. (Just call me Negative Nelly). So anyway, this recent move makes Braden Looper our staff ace for the time being. I just hope that Blooper can keep up the good work.

About the only thing that is keeping me happy is that TLR is not taking out Chris Duncan. He's obviously the only productive player the cardinals have right now and thats usually when TLR likes to sit him for some weird reason.

Alright, some final quick hits:

• I'm so effin' tired to seeing these lazy pop fly outs by the cardinal players.
• Our outfield (no matter who is out there) looks like a bunch of one-legged soccer players out there trying to catch fly balls.
• I want Hector Luna back.
• Al Gaybosky always looks like he's doing an impression of "Will Ferrell doing an impression of George Bush"

• I actually wish Juan Encarnacion was healthy just to have a capable fielder.

Alright, I'm done.

So let us see here...

The Cardinals lost today, 13-0. Their leadoff hitters the last four games have been Scott Spiezio, Preston Wilson, So Taguchi, and Skip Schumaker. Their best pitcher by about seven light years is out for at least three months, and I would bet the season. It's time to aks a serious question:

Can the Cards finish in last place? Is it possible?

I say that there is an outside shot at it. Granted, Edmonds and Rolen can't continue to hit like 5th graders all season (can they?), Pujols is still due to go on a streak where he hits like .670 for a couple of weeks and single-handedly wins them four or five games, and Adam Wainwright isn't a 6.00 ERA pitcher (I hope), but this team is just not very good. They are sure as hell not any fun to watch.

If they hadn't won the World Series last year, I'm pretty sure that I would be horrifically depressed.

Crappy Cardinal Haikus, Meaningless #4

Adam Kennedy
Scrappy because he is white
Takes very few walks

So...

I go to the Brewers/Cards game last night. I am harassed by BREWER fans because they are kicking the Cards' ass so badly. Skip Schumaker is hitting leadoff. Today, So Horrible is hitting leadoff. This has to be some kind of joke right? Right?

Of Life and Booze

I wrote this over at my normal blahg, but figured I'd post it here as well. I think things may be slow for me on the RCT for the next week or so. Just not really in the making fun of people mood.

-----------

The weekend started off absolutely fabulously. Nothing much happening at work Friday night, so I worked from home, slow rolled some Blue Moons and watched the Cards match. Sure, it would have been nice if they had beaten the Cubs, but this team stinks. We knew that already.

Early to rise on Saturday, I hung out on the terrace, made the weekly round of phone calls. I went across the street to my buddy Matt’s pad; he was hanging out with his groomsmen, getting ready to tie that not in a few hours. Come back home, The Lady Friend gets back from walking around Forrest Park, I cook up some egg-muffin sandis, mix up some mimosas, and we clean ourselves up and get ready to head to the wedding.

The wedding is fabulous, the homily could have used some stories about robots and a Superman III reference, but other than that no qualms. Off to a buddy’s house on The Hill, eat some wings, drink some White Ales (fucking magical), watch the Cards game, and make fun of Brady Quinn. Head downtown to the reception. There’s a line of about 100 prom kids all waiting for the elevator; we skip the line, take the residential lift. We rule!

All in all, that’s about a perfect 24 hours for me. Drink beer, watch two different Cardinals games, eat wings, hang with friends, and make fun of Brady Quinn. Awesome.

Then, the wheels fall off. I’ll go ahead and just blame the open bar -- it’s never good for anyone. Except me, of course (this weekend confirms the fact that I and my buddy Dave are the only two good drunks left in this god forsaken town) -- and by the end of the evening, people were crying and TLF was peeing in our front yard. So, yeah... class all around. Well, class and booze.

The next morn, I wake to my phone vibrating; the first text I got was around nine: "What’s wrong with the Cardinals pitchers during Cubs series?" I chalked it up to "they suck?" and hit the pillow to keep sleeping off a massive hangover. Twenty minutes later, another text from another friend: "Sorry to hear about Josh." What? I need sleepy. Ten minutes later, another text: "Sorry to hear about your guy. Best." Seriously, what the fuck?

Fuck. Flash back to 6/22/02 and my celly waking me up from a super hangover at noon in North Carolina. My buddy Nate is at Wrigley. Sounds like DK died last night. Fuck.

Ugh. You’ve got be kidding me. Send out a text to the group from the cab ride home last night: "So we can now say we saw the accident that killed Josh Hancock. Fuck."

Life is an odd thing. We love people like Albert Pujols because we can never be him; chances are you can’t even imagine what it’s like to have that kind of physical skill. It’s easy to idolize the greats, but in doing so, we undervalue the guys who make up the backbone of not just the game, but of life. Life isn’t hitting 500 foot home runs; it’s an 88 mph fastball and the ability to mop up some innings. We like to think that life would be great if it was filet mignon and $200 bottles of champagne, but it’s not. Life is a few cold beers, hot wings, and good friends. (and maybe some washers.) Life is Josh Hancock.

And that's fine by me.

I’m a pretty negative person; it’s my nature. I’m a jerk. I’d change, but that would require effort. (I’m also lazy.) But for the next week, I’m being nothing but positive on this here slice of webernets. It’ll be all sunshine and whiskey and barefoots. I’m going to fucking appreciate this life of mine, even if it kills me.

Also, since the shoe is already dropping, I’m just going to say this now and I won’t comment on it again (unless we find out he was fucking a goat at the time or something else Eddie Griffin level of ridiculous):

Mistakes happen. And sometimes they involve alcohol. I've known a lot of people who have died in a lot of different ways -- suicide, cancer, war, senseless violence, and, yes, even from drunk driving -- and I don't miss any of them more than others. If he was drunk at the time, it means he made a few bad decisions Saturday night. It doesn't mean that he will be missed any more, or any less, by his friends and family. And it makes this no less tragic.

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck

I was in a cab last night at about 1, coming home from a wedding downtown. All lanes on westbound 40 were blocked off right by SLU. I said something about hoping it wasn't one of our friends from the wedding.

Nope, it was Josh Fucking Hancock. Unreal.

He threw a good game on Saturday. RIP, Josh.




Get yours here.

More with Cards/Cubs

I sure hope that The Sign Guy will be there tonight! And tomorrow! Maybe he will have some funny signs about how the Cubs haven't won the World Series in a long time! Ha! That would be hilarious! How could one not possibly love The Sign Guy?

Also, any Polite Patrol Cardinal fan who gets upset about someone booing Jason Marquis should be banned from attending any future Cards game, home or road. People at Busch are way too polite. And if someone actually CHEERS Marquis? They should have the aforementioned punishment, as well as their memories erased of last year's World Title, all Pujols homers, and the time Mark Whiten hit four bombs. Then they should be forced to eat a Ponderosa steak.

No tolerance for non-Marquis bashers!

Series Preview: Cards v. Cubs

Friday, 7:10 CDT (FSN):








Jason Marquis (2-1, 1.88) @ Anthony Reyes (0-3, 5.63)

DYK Jason Marquis: Did you know that Jason Marquis is a world renowned saxophone player?

DYK Anthony Reyes: Did you know that Anthony Reyes once rode a lawn mower across the state of Nebraska?

Saturday, 2:55 CDT (FOX):








Carlos Zambrano (1-2, 6.91) @ Adam Wainwright (1-1, 5.04)

DYK Carlos Zambrano: Did you know Carlos Zambrano was appointed Venezuela's Secretary of Commerce in 1993?

DYK Adam Wainwright: Did you know that Adam Wainwright invented BBQ?

Sunday, 7:05 CDT (ESPN):








Rich Hill (3-1, 1.57) @ Kip Wells (1-4, 4.70)

DYK Rich Hill: Did you know that Rich Hill is the worlds biggest Michael McDonald fan?

DYK Kip Wells: Did you know that Kip Wells comes off as being really Canadian in person?

Series Over/Unders:

1 - Times Zambrano hits Jim Edmonds
2 - Times Chris Duncan has a hilariously clumsy accident
2 - GWRsBI by Pujols
3 - Lee Elia-esque tirades by Lou Pinella
40,000 - People who boo Jason Marquis

Cliff Clavin's Little Known Cardinals Fact O' The Day™: Cubs fans are morans.

What The Crazy Old Man Learned Yesterday

Maybe Skip Schumaker isn't the worst professional baseball player since Cody McKay. Damn close though. If the son of a bitch could make a decent martini to save his life, I'd give him a nickle.



I enjoy pot pie much more than I should!

Crappy Cardinal Haikus: Meaningless #3

My face is on fire
But Pujols is now batting
Deep third degree burn

Gary Thorne might be insane

So Gary Thorne goes on the air and says that Doug Miribelli told him that Curt Schilling painted his sock red before going out to pitch in the 2004 playoffs, and everyone goes into an uproar. It was the top story on ESPN.com today. I thought that I would prove the objectivity of Random Cardinal Thoughts, and...defend Curt Schilling. Gary Thorne may very well be delusional, and I have a story to prove it. Keep three things in mind before I tell this story:

1. I used to think Gary Thorne was a decent announcer.
2. I cannot stand Curt Schilling. I once took a sign into the Bullpen Bar at a White Sox/Red Sox game at U.S. Cellular, wrote SCHILLING: YOU ARE A WHORE FOR THE MEDIA, and held it up to him.
3. The story I am about to recount is absolutely true. Nothing is embellished or changed at all, and I promise you that, because I watched it at least 500 times on TiVo.

Last May 10, during a Cardinals/Rockies game, Brad Hawpe hit a fly ball to right field in the second inning. It wasn't even one of those end-of-the-bat jobs that looked like it could be a bomb off the bat. It looked like what it was--a fly ball to shallow right field. Juan Encarnacion took about five steps in and caught it. Here is Gary Thorne's call, perfectly quoted:

"And that one is...to right field, rocketed...and...that's it! Goodbye! Home run! No! Come back, you're out! Count was 0 and 3, he had a home run taken away by an outfielder--a very strange at-bat!"

My buddy Mark had it TiVo'ed, and we would show it to anyone who came over, and they would have the exact same reaction every time:

"Wait...what!? WHAT!? What is he talking about?! Play that again!"

Keep in mind--this was as routine of a fly ball as you can possibly imagine. Nowhere near the warning track, a lazy fly ball. The 0 and 3 part? No idea what he was talking about. The part about an outfielder taking away a home run? No clue. His broadcast partners that day, Rick Sutcliffe and Steve Stone, quickly changed the subject to Juan Pierre's robbed home run of Barry Bonds from a few nights before.

I used to think that the ESPN producers wanted him to bring up a robbed home run so they could segway into the Pierre discussion, and he just did so very strangely and poorly. But now, after hearing everyone discount him so quickly, I think that there is a good chance that Gary Thorne may be completely insane.

He's Officially Back

Cliff Clavin's Little Known Cardinals Fact O' The Day™: This picture would be a lot funnier if it wasn't following a strikeout. Instead, lets pretend it's Albert clapping for himself before he starts towards second base after hitting a game winning double last night.

Gotta Take The Positive

We won't hit that "Panic" button that you hear so much about, nor bitch too much that the Cardinals are hitting around .087 as a team. Instead, when there are games like last night, we will try to look for the positives of the game. We are Johnny Positive!

For instance, that wasn't even the most runs the Reds have scored in a game this year! They hit for 11 against the Brewers, so it was the second most!

Sure, that was Alex Gonzalez's first home run of the season, but he hit 9 of them last year, he was bound to get one sooner or later!

Over the course of a season, Kip Wells will probably give up close to 100 earned runs. He might as well have gotten 7 of them out of the way last night.

Fine, I'll end with one depressing thing since you may not feel like being cheered up--when Albert Pujols goes 1 for 4 and his average goes up, you know that you are dying to see several 5 for 6 games in a row.

Well, That And Leather

Cliff Clavin's Little Known Cardinals Fact O' The Day™: Lou Brock is 85% wax.

Vegas Recovery

I would say that this is the first time that I can remember that I did not get to see one pitch of the entire Cards/Cubs series, but I do have excuses:

Friday--Even though we were at O'Hare Airport in Chicago, they didn't get Comcast SportsNet and couldn't watch it while waiting for the flight to Vegas. The first thing that I did after landing was check the phone to see several Preston-related texts, as well as the final score, and a few laughs about how the game ended.
Saturday--Due to MLB's continued incompetence on the subject, whenever Fox has games, they only show the local game, which meant Vegas got Red Sox/Yankees and the Cards were blacked out. Not that I missed much.
Sunday--Flying again, it was very exciting to see Pujols becoming Pujols again.

One more night of excessive sleep and I could be back to normal.